Mostly, a reminder to myself
This week, I've had my one-month post-operative appointments with my surgeon, infectious disease specialist, and pulmonologist.
So many questions have been answered. And so many others may never have answers.
The past month has been a roller coaster of emotions.
Most of the time, I'm outwardly positive and upbeat. I laugh, smile, and try to approach each day with optimism. That's generally who I am.
But what people don't always see is what's happening on the inside.
The anxiety. The questions. The uncertainty.
Is the air quality in our home okay? Am I standing too close to someone who might be contagious without even knowing it? Is that cough simply a cough, or could it be something more?
Things I might not have given a second thought to before can suddenly feel much more significant.
And sometimes, quite frankly, it's exhausting.
When the Nurse Becomes the Patient
After more than 26 years in nursing, especially working in the ER, I've seen a lot. Sometimes I think I've seen a little too much!
But being the patient is a whole different experience.
You would think my nursing background would make things easier. In some ways, it does. But sometimes knowing too much just gives my mind more places to wander.
It's one thing to care for someone else through uncertainty. It's another thing entirely when you're the one lying awake wondering about all the what-ifs.
And I'm learning that even nurses aren't immune to fear, frustration, and anxiety.
Chronic Illness Isn't Always Visible
Over the years, I've had people tell me, "But you don't look sick."
And they're right. Most days, I probably don't.
I can smile, have a conversation, enjoy time with family, and continue working on things that matter to me.
But none of those things mean that chronic illness isn't part of my everyday life.
What someone sees on the outside doesn't always reflect what they're managing on the inside.
That doesn't mean we need to treat everyone as though they're fragile. It simply means we can benefit from remembering that we rarely know the whole story.
Finding the Positives Along the Way
Now, on a positive note, there have been some encouraging developments!
My incisions are just about healed. I've experienced some nerve pain in my abdomen below the incision, which my surgeon believes may be related to a nerve affected during surgery.
And today, I received some particularly welcome news: I can stop taking a high-dose antibiotic that I've been on for eight months!
That was definitely something worth celebrating.
My energy and endurance are also slowly improving through pulmonary rehabilitation and guided exercises. The progress isn't always as fast as I'd like, but it's progress nonetheless.
Of course, there are still some unanswered questions.
My heart rate has been running consistently high, and we're now investigating whether that's part of the healing process or related to a possible complication.
So even as I celebrate the improvements, there's still some uncertainty.
And perhaps that's one of the most difficult parts of recovery—learning to appreciate the good news while continuing to navigate the things we don't yet understand.
Recovery Doesn't Happen Overnight
I'm learning that recovery isn't a straight line. Some days I feel like I'm making great progress, and other days my body reminds me who's really in charge!
And the emotional side? That's been a journey of its own.
I'm sharing this for those who are curious about how I'm doing and for anyone going through something similar.
I certainly don't have all the answers. I'm just learning to celebrate the good days, work through the difficult ones, and give myself a little grace along the way.
Because sometimes the biggest challenges are the ones no one can see.
And through it all, I keep reminding myself of one simple thing…
JUST BREATHE.
